Not all the sharks are Doms...

Male Doms have a fully justified poor reputation on personals sites like Alt. Most come on too strong, too fast, knowing too little, or too sure that they know everything. Like bright young things exposed to the light for the first time they flit about like moths afraid of the flame causing aggravation to the women and embarrassment to the other men who are aware that neither Rome nor a lasting BDSM relationship are built in a day.

This is a true account, though some of this is conjecture and theory in the absence of real information.

This is the account of the majority of my year 2003; a year largely wasted in trying to find a playmate and potential partner due to the events I am about to describe.

I am not going to identify the person about who I am writing, and will just use 'her'. Likewise, I am not going to write anything that would make identifying her trivial. I still have my own values to preserve.

However, this essay is not about a Male Dom... the exact opposite in fact - a female sub who takes advantage of the large number of male Doms to play her games.

It is not easy to write about personal relationships, much less BDSM ones that are so much more intense, nor is it easy to write something knowing that I am about to look like a trusting buffoon. In any case, if looking like a sucker is the price for making this behaviour more public, I'll take my place next to the sink plunger.

It begins around Xmas 2002. Being genuinely single in both marital and BDSM senses means that Christmas and New Year the period is both lonely and uneventful, and spent mostly online. At the time I frequented the Dungeon, chatting and playing. Since then Alt has barred regular members from that chatroom, but at the time they could come and go freely.

She appeared to be most of what I was looking for... a UK sub, with switch tendencies, and a serious participant in the scene rather than someone with an imaginary life lived only inside their head.

After much online chatting, we met first in Gloucestershire on Dec 30, 2002. A pleasurable evening was spent over a Chinese meal chatting about outlook on BDSM, individual tastes... all the things that can come up in a first meeting.

The next couple of months saw a couple of play sessions, though arranging them often proved difficult; dates would be cancelled at the last moment due to family illness or other incidents. Despite this, we managed four play sessions; two in Gloucestershire, one at my place, and the other at a Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar after party.

Even then, back in April, things were starting to fail to add up. Sometimes she would disappear off MSN/Yahoo when I signed on, and one particular incident sticks in my mind. I came into Alt's Euro room and she left almost immediately, but back in the room history was a mention of going to Devon for a dungeon. I knew about the Devon holiday, but so far as she told me, before or after, it was a regular self-catering holiday. Obviously, the next question this raises is who she was with there, because it wasn't me. This despite our theoretically being 'an item' in the BDSM sense.

From April things deteriorated. Play dates were cancelled at her end, and she became harder to contact - ignoring emails and txts and signing off of IM when I signed on.

If there is a turning point as such, it was in May when for a change I was the one who cancelled a meeting - a last minute opportunity to fly on Concorde. After that communication became harder than ever, and getting a straight answer to any question about what was going on in her life and when it would get back to normal proved impossible.

Lest it seem like I automatically seemed suspicious and assumed the worst I should mention that she had previously talked about playing at London venues, being active on the munch scene, going to fairs etc... this degree of BDSM inactivity was unusual. The other telling item was the profile... at my request it changed briefly to say I was her Dom, then it changed to say she had a Dom (without a name) and then to no Dom at all.

I continued going to BBB alone, and was not that surprised to see her there in July or so, in the company of another guy. Upon questioning she claimed he was a newbie she was looking after and I let it ride for the time being.

July turned into August and September, and while she would tell me that she couldn't go to BBB what it meant really was that she was going with someone else.

A chat in the Europe room on Alt turned up a mention that she had also been in London with someone that wasn't me, so come September's BBB I decided it was time to make a decision. She was there, with the same guy, and showing a level of intimacy not often seen even with long term Dom and sub. Add to that that the guy was wearing a ring from Egypt - a momento from her recent holiday day (with him? who knows?). The ring was just a detail.. more striking was wearing a fine polished metal collar, whose source the guy knew.

Rather than create a scene, or do anything I would later regret, I chose to simply watch them for a while, and upon leaving BBB sent a txt to her phone whose gist was 'it's time to stop pretending - good luck for the future'.

So, at that point I started looking for someone more genuine, who wasn't two-timing (or more). Although I've made a number of good friends, I have yet to find my one, so when I was talking in the room about not having played for a while, and wanting to do something around my 40th she started flirting, and then discussion turned to a one off play session. Details were set up, but knowing the previous pattern I insisted on confirmation - when that confirmation didn't arrive, I cancelled. The reason on this occasion was that none of her daughters could look after their newly acquired puppy.

Months pass, and she takes up with another Dom, and then dumps that one when he apparently fails to turn up at her place. I say apparently because that is her version of events. My own suspicion is that she behaved the same way I have seen - leading people on, setting up meets, but never following through.

Christmas approaches, and in the spirit of boredom that began this account, thoughts turn to a one-off play session. This time it would be at her home, so several days in advance I began asking her to locate a local B&B for me to use, else I'd kip on the floor. The meet was set for Monday/Tuesday, so on the Friday before I asked about the B&B to be told I'd sleep on the floor. Not a problem. On Saturday I sent a txt asking for the address to go to and suitable times to arrive. No reply. On Sunday I followed up with a txt saying the visit was off if there was no reply by midnight. No reply. So, instead of being there, sceneing, I am here sharing my experiences in the hope others learn not to be taken in by female subs who are two-timing for their own enjoyment and pleasure at the expense of the guys.

In closing, having had the best part of a year wasted by this woman, I want to make one thing clear. She is not the sort that plays only in her head - she is active in munches, scenes, knows her way around, has a comprehensive selection of toys - she can send all the right signals. The thing to watch with her and her type is that they want more than one Dom, and are content to mess each one around to give them their gratification.

So, 2003 was the year of the two-timer. 2004 will hopefully be better.

©2003 Chorazin