I am known in alt.com as shaunx. Before knowing about the lifestyle I perceived myself to be a sadist (which is correct). Confusion, however erupted with the bdsm identities which are given to many people. For many, classifying myself as a ‘sadistic submissive’ is problematic, this is caused both by the conflation of submissive and masochist into the category of "bottom". I was immensely confused by the catagories available to newbies, thinking that a sadist and a dom were necessarily analogous.

The difference is difficult to pin down- many would argue that the power sustained in inflicting pain is what makes the sadist a dominant. The power to attain control over another’s neural responses may provide the link between dominance and sadism. It could also be argued that submission itself is a mental strain of suffering – the loss of power is held by social codes to indicate a negative emotive impulse which is easily conflated with submission.

The ability to control another, however illuminates the difference between a dominant and a sadist- allowing the anomaly of sadistic submissive more lea-way. In my particular case I find women in pain immensely erotic, whippings being a particular favourite; on the other hand, I have neither the erotic inclination nor the personality to control another person’s behaviour. My personality is very submissive; I am quiet, easy going and not too bothered with my partner’s personal behaviour, I fit into that role; trying to dominate someone outside of causing them immense pain is boring, not erotic, and is impossible for me.

The solution to this particular dilemma has taken a very peculiar form. From a young age I have had sexual fantasies imagining the tortured woman’s emotions- far more sadistic excitement is possible when one can imagine the thoughts and fears of the person suffering. I became so obsessed with what was inside the head of the victim that I began to involve myself with them- imagining myself as my own victim.

Allowing myself to be ‘tortured’ is therefore erotic in that it allows me to see myself from the outside as someone else-I am now fully able to understand the feelings of the victim.

I can imagine that this is probably not that uncommon- there are probably many more sadistic submissives out there, many, perhaps keeping quiet about their sadistic fantasies because people will become confused by the idea, believing they are unsure of what they seek, or poseurs. Many people are also unwilling to accept the role of switches in society because they do not form legitimately standardised forms of power-exchange. Really this article was intended to expose an ‘anomaly’, which I suspect is a common personality trait for many, but has not been properly investigated because of BDSM social pressures and normative roles. I hope it has proved helpful to anyone else out there who feels the same as me.


©2001 shaunx